The silly thing about life is that sometimes you are so on your game that you dont realize how messed up things are getting until your up to your waist in mistakes.

Have I really screwed up big time with this college mess I have now got myself into?

haha life who knew that when parents used to answer questions with the simple answer "you have no idea" me thinking it was the answer they can say to anything to end the conversation. Jokes on me that they were actually being honest.

I had no idea the effect college would be on my life. I had no idea how hard it is to manage being inlove with someone while being hrs away from them. I had no idea that there were bigger things to cry about. I had no idea about a lot of things but im learning. Maybe not at the fastest rate possible. but im getting there.

I think the worst feeling is seeing the look on your parents face when they know whats right and they know what they want you to do. but they wont say it cuz they think its a lesson you just have to learn. and you are so strong headed about what you want and when it all boils down you wish you were still little and theyd make your choices for you.

So what do I have instore for me. I am not really too sure. I know that theres a lot of people I miss and ATON of moments id give anything to relive. but its so unhealthy to dwell on your past. Im not exactly sure what kinda path ill end up down. All I hope is to learn a whole lot of lessons on the way and to reach my goal of what I hope my life turns into.

I can honestly say with my entire heart. I am scared about how next year is going to boil out to be and I am scared I may have made a little bit of a mistake leaving keene. But you can only grow from things. Lets see how it all plays out

So I should be writing papers that are due for next week but instead I feel the Need to Post a fun lil LJ entry


Traveling Down The Road to Your Future is a scary one.
Take time to look back at your past to give you a reason to smile and a reason to look forwad to your future
( Things I really Miss. )

I feel like This week is going to Drag I need it to be Friday! Tim just left my school I really just wanted to go with him. I need to go home for break! The past few weeks have been hard on me. My Spring break week is going to consist of Lots of Dr.'s visits. Dentist and Keeping Tim Company while hes stuck in bed after his surgery. I want to see friends tho So people call me up and lets get together!


Everyone Enjoy your week!

I can not wait for this week to be over! I will be going home friday morning! Friday night Tim and I are going to the movies and then hes sleeping at my house. We are going to get up bright and early and head into boston! we are gunna go to Johnny Cupcakes and then go to the Science Museum. Tim has never been before! Its gunna be so much fun! Then after boston we are gunna get leah and sam and head to umass for the night then sunday sadly ill be heading back to school.

As of right now its looking like I wont be coming back to Keene State next year. Ive had about enough of it up here and I have been so unhappy for so long I know what I want and it is not to waste 4 years of my life here. Is it a bad choice im not sure yet. As of right now its looking like next year id be living at home being a full time student taking classes at Dean for my teaching degree and I think im pretty okay with that. Id be working on days I dont have class or Working days I have time to fit work in. Its been all that been taking over my mind lately. I have been so unhappy at this school and all the things I would stay for such as the concerts they have 3 times a year I can come up and stay with friends here. Do I really wanna give up my no parent life to move back home? Lots of questions about if thats what I really want. Im sure this weekend it will mostly be all figured out because the houseing deposit is due next week and I dont want my parents to waste there money. So thats the big problem in my life at this very moment. I really want to take class's and get my degree and open up my own preschool the problem is I didnt go in the right direction when coming to college. I had it in my head that I wanted a degree in Child Psyc and the more classes I took the move I knew it wasnt for me. The whole system of getting a major at this school just changed and to change my major most of my class's would not carry over and I would be coming back with freshmen credits and wouldnt be able to really take child care classes till my JR year and at that point for a normal student you should be in your major if you get accepted in and I would be sooo behind in the whole scheme of things. So alot of thinking will be done this weeekend and lots of talking with my mom im sure.

End.

So i've been back to school for about 3 weeks now. So far its been better then last semister. I moved to a new dorm across campus and now im roomies with Catherine. It's fun! I've met aton of new people. But Its still hard being so far away from Tim. I havent seen him in about two weeks give or take a few days. But hes coming up here this weekend! Im so excited! Hellogoodbye is playing at my school on friday. should be a good time. I love that my school has actual famous people play here.
on a different note I am now going to an aunt in sept.! weird ha. im excited. thinking of my parents as grandparents makes me laugh haha. that should be fun!
I am also currently trying EXTREAMLY hard to get a hedgehog! I cant even explain to what extent I want one. My mom pretty much said that if Tim was okay with me getting one she didnt care. haha and after begging a little he of coarse said he didnt care. You can adopt them I think thats the rute i would go. They are so so very cute.
Hmm what else . my entries tend to be boring and pointless as time goes on but what can you do. Catherine and I went to the study away fair and we are thinking the spring semister of our JR year we will go to Australia. It would be so so amazing! hanging out with some kangaroos and such! amazing!

Ill end this now. and update whenever I remember I have one of these




Ill have one soon I hope!

My family's doing an awesome job at keeping things interesting.
I bought myself a new car and love it
I am in love for real.
And I don't wanna go grow up just yet haha.This vacation i've been working from sometime in the morning until 6 each night. then coming home showering and relaxing and going to bed at like 9 to repete my days again. then the weekend comes around and im cramming in all that I can including..family stuff..time with tim.trying to see friends..getting errands done.And i've been pretty sick these past few weeks colds and everything else you can catch from working around gross little germ filled kids all day haha. So I am sorry to people that have been shafted over this break im on. I go back the weekend of 21st I think so call me please id love to see you before I go to school. Thats all for now im up early to go to a Dr's apt again tomarrow morning then working all day.

Call me.I mean it!

Now I'm tryin' to be assertive.
I'm making plans.
Wanna rise to the occasion, yeah
meet all of their demands.
But all I do is just lay in bed
and hide under the covers.
I know I should be brave
but I'm just too afraid of all this change.
And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt.
I keep making these "To Do" lists but nothing gets crossed out.
-Bright Eyes


Sometimes bright eyes knows exactly what to say haha... so college has been a big waste of time so far.I came to this college knowing what i was told it had to offer. Had it all planned out. Came here with the high hopes that id find me place. and start writing music again. and find people who have intrests like me music wise and have this great time meeting people. Well let me tell you. I havent written anything. I have yet to find anyone who even kinda likes the music I like. I sit at this school and feel so uninspired here. Im constantly sad or mad cuz college has been one big flop for me. I feel like im wasting soo much time here. My love is music. My love is writing. My love is working with little children. what am I doing with my life. Im at a Liberal Arts college and no one likes the music i do and im not even insipred to write again.. hows that play out? I miss working at the day care. Im going to school for psyc. Im an idiot haha. Ive screwed this college thing up big. I cant even go out to a party to meet people every weekend or even weekday safetly alery bullitons are sent to us becuse of the high about of rape and date rape drugs at my school this year. For a small school its an unheard of amount. I need to figure out what Im going to do. And i need to start making a plan cuz i cant make it here for 4 years. Ive never felt this uninspired in my entire life.

So I feel its a good time for an entry. The mood really has to strike me to want to update this and im feeling it tonight. This getting used to school thing is breaking me down hard. I miss being close to home. I cant get past it. Last weekend Tim was sick and I spent the day in the ER with him last sat. we went back to his house i went home. my rents brought me to school. Needless to say Tim only got worse and I was miles away. It hurt bad. I felt so upset that I was so far away and couldnt be there for him.It was so hard. Once I found out Tim was back in the hospital My mom came and got me today seing I had no class on friday and I find out my dad got his promotion. Yep now my dads the police chief haha greattttt. Police Chiefs daughter.haha im sooo happy for my dad though he deserves this. Anywaysss. so my mom got me from school and I went to his Press confrience haha how important does that sound i was pretty excited haha Kinda felt important. Then we went to an early dinner and I got a ride to see Tim at the hospital. It broke my heart seeing him so sick I just kept crying haha. Even though im sure that didnt exactly cheer him up im the emoutional Girlfriend what did he expect haha. Ill be there all day tomarrow im sure. I dont know how much longer ill handle this distance thing at school. Dont get me wrong keene is an AMAZING school and the fact i can go there is awesome but im not sure how worth it is. I wanna be closer to Tim I wanna be closer to home etc. Ill see. everything comes in good time. I guess it also doesnt help that everyone I have met at keene wants to transfer. Enough sad news cuz Ive been sad enough tonight. Uhm Tuesday a group of girls and me at school decided to walk up town to the tattoo place I got a new tattoo and they all got peircings haha. it was a fun night. Im so pumped to have a new Tattoo!! I got it at a place called moms tattoos haha. the name makes me laugh. Anyways I got a sparrow with a banner that says "Through Being Cool" Taken from a saves the day cd :) i loooooooooove it! and I think thats enough for tonight im tired after this whirl win day and will busy tomarrow too!I miss everyone
Get Better Baby

end.

I wish I had some sort of idea of where to start in typeing all of this out.
school wise. my roomates are AMAZING. I have the best luck in that aspect.
I like my school ok i guess. I love my classes and my teachers or w.e
what I dont love. is being away from Tim. Im soo attached to him it might be looked at as sad but i dont care. each mile away hurts a lil more then the last and its making me hate my school soo much. I was sooo spoiled theses past 6 or so months getting to see Tim every day. And now sitting at school and not seeing him just takes soo much energy out of me. im 2 and a half hrs away from the person who means most to me in my life. and I constantly end up thinking about it and getting so sad and upset and atleast twice a week I lay in bed doubting i can make it through. Tims amazing of coarse and talks me through it. So I will see how long i last this far away. its taking such a toll on me.

Today by the way would be me and Tims 7 months! Im just so happy :)
I used to be that girl whod hear about her friends boyfriends and how long they have been together and now im the girl who talks about her bf and I LOVE IT. <3

I think thats good for now.

so here it goes. The classic leaving home. summers almost over entry.
I did two things this summer I told myself i wouldnt do. I met a boy. and I fell in love. and now here I am leaving for school in NH. ya i know he will visit when he can come up. But ive seen him pretty much none stop for 5 months and it will be 6 months on the 10th of aug.

Dereks Now off to train for the US Army he left tuesday night. From that point and now on till the end of aug. starts the real start of the end. ya I know all the good friends stick around right. thats what they said about HS and taht has yet to shine true. anyways. Dereks gone and will be back in Nov for a few days. ill be in NH when he comes back lets just hope he comes to NH before shipping out or something like that.

anyways its only gunna get worse before it gets better. I know its life and i know all the key facts about moving on and fate and things happen for a reason but im still allowed to doubt things and just be stright up sad. A month from today i leave. All my friends aree staying in mass. None of them really are going out of state for school. all keeping close contact am i jealous. ya maybe a lil. it was my own choice tho. i had such a hard ass view on life that running outta state outta mind would just fix everything. and now time ticks closer and i wanna stay in my home town i wanna go to the town diner every weekend and know my best friends are 5 mins down the st. the mall is where ill bump into people from my past and ill smile and laugh. and it brings tears to my eyes everynight. im 18 and clueless. welcome to eveyone elses lifes. and im ranting.

I like to pretend that if i keep busy and avoid everything that just maybe it will go away for some more time. but it doesnt. and today the 25th hit me hard. one month. that is all i thought about all day. i never was a fan of life changing events but things you have no controll over. I think im starting to repete myself now soo ill stop.

theres a few things i know. they are, i gave my whole entire heart to a boy and fell in love, im leaving the state in a month, i listen to way too music acoustic music for my own good, im way over my head in life.

goodnight and sweet dreams